There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
