Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
