theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
too bad you live with your parents still
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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