I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
