I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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