it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
