I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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