we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am one with the molecules
Randomize
