She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
