I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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