DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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