Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
