I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
A bitchslap is in order.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
