When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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