I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
