Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
