You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
