She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
