you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
