Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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