he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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