He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
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I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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