She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
why is half of my head shaved?
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