so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
