I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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