Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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