You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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