I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
