So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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