I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
