matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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