The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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