she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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