i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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