I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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