I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You can't just leave with hair like that
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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