I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
