I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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