she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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