Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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