i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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