Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
