at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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