Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
