I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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