the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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