he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
