I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
