I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
