just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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