Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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