I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
