Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
