I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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