if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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