Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I wish there were birth control emojis
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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