Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
